birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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