i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
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This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
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This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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