i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
