He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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