her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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