My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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