this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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