I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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