24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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