Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
