i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
