I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
