Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
