I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
