I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
