Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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