yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
