i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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