I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
