Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
