D3 body, D1 cock
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
