she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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