Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
