a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
