I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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