How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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