I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
