my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
