everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
