I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
