Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
