Apparently you make a good broom.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
