You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
