I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
