I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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