Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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