he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
one might say we're banned from that church
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
