Are we in a gay sports bar?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Randomize
