I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
