Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
