I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
