This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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