I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
