Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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