I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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