What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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