I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
