I think I won the penis lottery.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
