I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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