I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
