I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
