The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go