last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.