oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
