You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
