i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Randomize
