I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
