You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
