Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
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Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
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He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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