I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
