He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
